Hard rules

HARD NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES
[ A circular was found in one of the office notice boards ]

Dear Staff ,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.
1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2) ANNUAL LEAVE : Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SUNDAYs.

4) SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5) TOILET USE : Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

6) SURGERY : As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

7) INTERNET USAGE : All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

India’s motto for Aus series: ‘Keep it straight and simple’

Though there has been no love lost between India and Australia over their last three Cricket series, coach Gary Kirsten has coined an interesting phrase as the Indian team’s motto for the tour — KISS, or Keep It Straight and Simple.

The principle behind the motto is to allow the Indian players to refocus on the series amidst stories that the visitors are coming better prepared to the conditions after a week-long preparation camp in Jaipur and the presence of Greg Chappell in the opposition camp. The coaching staff in the Bangalore camp is reiterating the need to concentrate on the basics with the bat, ball and in the field, and not succumb to the temptations of attempting fancy shots during the high-profile series. “We’ve been asked to focus on the basics and told to keep things straight and simple,” says a Team India member. “The general discussion is to keep away from playing flashy shots or get tempted by the short deliveries. While bowling, the idea is to just keep a tight line and length,” he added.

According to reports, the wickets for the Test series are likely to be good for batting, not affording too much bounce, and will deteriorate as the match progresses, with the foot-marks playing a big role. This is not to allow any of the pacemen — especially the Australian battery — to exploit the conditions, and allow the Indian spinners to get considerable help from the rough.